Sunday, March 17, 2013

Spartacus Power Rankings, Vol. 7

Spartacus: War of the Damned, Episode 7 - "Mors Indecepta"

Unranked this week: Agron, Saxa, Laeta, Nasir

10. The thousand rebels who froze to death and ended up a bridge - Now, don't get me wrong. Corpse Bridge itself was one of the most fucking crazy, badass things on TV this year. But that was thanks to Spartacus, not the corpses. To praise the corpses for Corpse Bridge would be like praising the bird itself for some notably well-prepared chicken. Corpse Bridge was awesome. The dudes and dudettes comprising it, on the other hand, really shoulda just huddled up a bit warmer under their furs.

9. Julius Caesar - Not unlike the real-life Julius Caesar's sudden end, Spartacus's Caesar fell hard and fast this week, from the very top of Spartacus Power Rankings just three and two weeks ago to just one step up from frozen corpses this week. Mocked by Tiberius, demoted and bossed around by Crassus, hell, even played and embarrassed by Kore, not to mention the spears hurled down at him by Team Spartacus at episode's end, forcing his ignominious retreat. Not Caesar's finest hour. Pretty much his worst, in fact!

8. Marcus Crassus - The titular "mors indecepta" gambit at least seemed clever, but ultimately didn't seem to accomplish much other than trading a flesh wound in Naevia's leg for the lives of about thirty Roman soldiers. Then he was just incredibly thoroughly outsmarted and outmaneuvered by Spartacus at episode's end. Like, how do you even look your troops in the face after something like that?

7. Tiberius Crassus - The only reason Tiberius goes above his father and Caesar is that those two found their stations lowered this week, while Tiberius saw his raised by military promotion. Other than that he pretty much shared in their defeat.

6. Naevia - Wounded. That sucks. But at least she stands not a fucking Roman.

5. Castus - Our favorite seemingly-not-traitorous pirate finally got accepted by Team Spartacus this week, and joined in their triumphant hail of spears and arrows upon the forces of Team Crassus. Still doesn't make him an overwhelmingly interesting character, but still, hey, good for him.

4. Kore - This week Kore made her escape from the Romans and joined up with the rebels, killing at least one Roman guard good and dead in the process and further adding to Caesar's embarrassment (as he was the one who brought her to the military encampment, creating the proximity allowing for her escape). Not bad.

3. Gannicus & Sibyl - They survived a snowstorm and got laid! At the same time! Let me tell you, I really don't think I would have had sex on the mind being outside in the middle of that blizzard, and even if I had, I doubt Tim Jr. would be cooperative at ten degrees below zero plus wind chill. But such trifling matters provide no obstacles for Gannicus and Sibyl, so kudos on your exceptionally powerful libidos, you crazy kids.

2. Crixus - Crixus's roaring rampage of revenge against a whole battalion of Romans after Naevia's wounding and climactic cry of "THE MIGHTY CRASSUS SHOWS FUCKING ASS AS HE FLEES FROM US!!!" were so badass that he's at #2 despite being a dumbass who wouldn't listen to and wanted to fight Spartacus for most of the episode. Now Crixy, have you got all that rebelling against your rebel leader out of your rebel system yet? (It's Rebelception.)

1. Spartacus - Corpse Bridge. Taking the wall. Raining spears and arrows upon Crassus and his men at a close enough distance to look the bastard in his face and smirk at him. No question who won this hour.

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