Saturday, March 9, 2013

Spartacus Power Rankings, Vol. 6

Spartacus: War of the Damned, Episode 6 - "Spoils of War"

Unranked this week: Crixus, Agron, Naevia, Saxa, Nasir, Senator Metellus

10. Tiberius Crassus - Thus passes yet another episode for the most incompetent, nasty, petty, useless Roman ever to walk the face of the earth. Pretty much all Tiberius accomplished in "Spoils of War" was getting mocked by Caesar both in private and public and then, when his plan to have Caesar killed went south, unwittingly just making Caesar look all the more awesome in front of the Roman high command. And it was great. Tiberius, you fail so satisfyingly.

9. Heracleo - Speaking of failure, pirate boss Heracleo – whose "death" last week was but a fake out – here dies very decisively as his new slave Laeta puts a red hot branding iron through his throat in downright pornographic detail. An awesome scene to be certain, but it was Laeta's win, not Heracleo's, so lil' Hery gets to cool his jets at #9 forever.

8. Kore - Ok, so Kore's having a pretty rough time of things at this exact moment. But she escapes the bottom two slots on account of not being killed off and not being Tiberius. No one deserves to be Tiberius.

7. Donar - This may seem a disagreeably high slot for someone who managed to get his ass taken out by the Romans twice in one episode, but there's no denying that he took the wind out of Caesar's sails in fairly spectacular and ballsy fashion when he shoved a sword through his own damn head before Caesar could execute him. I've seen plenty of suicides by gunshot, but I think this might actually be the first time in a TV show or film I've ever seen someone stab themselves in the skull with a bladed weapon.

6. Sibyl - Sibyl didn't pull off anything overwhelmingly impressive, but she lived and didn't blow the escape from the city, becoming, at least until Crassus' army shows up, a free woman. And she seems to have toned down the psycho stalker shit, to boot!

5. Spartacus - Spartacus is currently pinned with his army against a giant chasm of ice and snow, which sucks. But on the other hand he did slice and slash and slaughter his way through a thousand Romans and out of Sinuessa en Valle at episode's start like a motherfucker, and stared down Crassus from what couldn't have been but ten meters away and lived to tell the tale. 

4. Julius Caesar - Caesar falls from the #1 slot he occupied the last two weeks on account of being defeated and thoroughly humiliated by Gannicus during Ganny's flight from the city. I mean, Gannicus even took the time to grin at him. It was brutal. But he still can't fall any lower than #4 on account of the fact that he schooled Tiberius every inch as thoroughly as Gannicus schooled him, and also took out Donar in a fair and more or less even fight in front of everyone. Caesar's down, but not out.

3. Laeta - Laeta achieved more or less the same thing Sibyl did in this episode – living and escaping Sinuesse en Valle with Gannicus – but she did so showing initiative, killing pirate king Heracleo with her own two hands (and a red hot brand) and riding her own horse at the end rather than hitching a ride with Ganny. So, similar outcomes, but ultimately a more impressive showing from the big L.

2. Marcus Crassus - Crassus took back the city this week, and, even more importantly, thought far enough ahead to hire a crew to dig what looks like a mile-long fifty-foot-deep snowy trench across the escape route from the mountain, sealing Spartacus and company in. And I thought shoveling the driveway was a pain in the ass!

1. Gannicus - "Spoils of War" was essentially Gannicus' episode-long hero shot. He got to kill Romans, be stealth, rescue not one but two pretty ladies, draw blood from and humiliate Julius Caesar, and then make a totally successful horseback escape from the city scored to almost excessively bombastic heroic trumpets. I don't know that there's been a more obvious #1 pick to date in Spartacus Power Rankings.

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