Top Fifty TV Shows of 2013: #50 - 31

You bet your ass it's that time of year again. As of this week (as of watching last Monday's Almost Human, to be exact), I've finally seen every episode of every show I wanted to be caught up on before ranking this year's top fifty. To help keep things fresh and spicy I've specified under each show's title and rank both what it's best 2013 episode was and, if it's one of the returning shows from 2012's list, how many ranks it rose or fell from last year. (Last year's lists: #50-31, #30-11, Top Ten.) Let's get to the main event:

50. The Vampire Diaries (The CW)

Best 2013 Episode: Season 4 Episode 15 - "Stand By Me" | Down 35 from 2012

What a remarkable difference 357 days can make, huh? In last year's list I was basically raving about The Vampire Diaries' relentless pacing and high stakes. Now it's slowed to a crawl, bends over backwards to avoid anything that challenges the status quo and is reviving dead characters left and right. The show's story spent essentially all of 2013 walking in a wide, slow circle back to square one. As such, it's gone from a show I couldn't wait for new episodes of to one I leave on in the background while playing iPhone games or doing minor household errands. You'd think The Vampire Diaries of all shows would know to die young and leave a beautiful corpse.

49. Teen Wolf (MTV)

Best 2013 Episode: Season 3 Episode 6 - "Motel California" | Down 12 from 2012

Fun fact: One of the dozen or so half-written but never finished posts in this blog's backlog is a rave for season 1 of Teen Wolf, calling it better than you'd assume. And it still might be, but no longer that much better. Essentially a poor, poor, poor man's Buffy, the show is a sometimes amusing, never exceptional genre serial about beautiful teen werewolves fighting supernatural villains in their small town while juggling school and romance. Probably the best thing it has going for it is Dylan O'Brien as the protagonist's dorky non-werewolf best friend (i.e. the Xander Harris). His comic timing is remarkably sharp and should hopefully propel him onto a great sitcom when Teen Wolf ends.

48. Gravity Falls (Disney)

Best 2013 Episode: Season 1 Episode 16 - "Carpet Diem" | Down 19 from 2012

I noted a year ago that Gravity Falls was getting better as it went along and that "if this quality incline continues, I could see Gravity Falls shooting way up on my 2013 list." And, well, looks like I forgot to knock on wood. My four favorite episodes from 2012 – "Double Dipper," "The Time Traveler's Pig," "Fight Fighters" and "Summerween" – are still my four favorite episodes of this paranormal animated sitcom, with nothing this year hitting their level. But that doesn't mean the show isn't still reasonably funny and clever and pleasant to look at. The body-swapping episode "Carpet Diem" is a lot of fun.

47. Defiance (Syfy)

Best 2013 Episode: Season 1 Episode 12 - "Past Is Prologue" | Debuted 2013

I adore the idea of Defiance: An unapologetic '90s-style sci-fi throwback that would have fit seamlessly alongside Stargate and Babylon 5 and Star Trek: TNG. Unfortunately its sci-fi/Western mashup gunslinging vibe and sarcastic rogue Han Solo-ish hero make it impossible not to compare it to Firefly, and, uh, it obviously comes up wanting. But for a nerd such as myself there's still a lot to love in its elaborate mythology and various alien races. The storytelling and action only occasionally rise above "serviceable," though.

46. Revenge (ABC)

Best 2013 Episode: Season 2 Episode 14 - "Sacrifice" | Down 24 from 2012

Like The Vampire Diaries, I'm digging Revenge's vibe way less than I was a year ago. Truth be told, I'm ready for Emily Thorne's true identity and motives to come to light for all the world to see and for her to finally and fully take her revenge and the show to wrap up, and if that doesn't happen by the end of season 4 I honestly don't know if I'll want to keep going. That said, Revenge can still bust out a fun cliffhanger and Gabriel Mann's snarky bisexual hacker/computer genius Nolan Ross remains a great, unendingly entertaining character.

Best TV Episodes, November 2013

I'm gonna level with y'all straight up: Since I started doing these monthly Best TV Episodes lists, there has never been a single month I've had a harder time whittling down to just ten. As I type this, I'm staring at a list of over twenty episodes that aired last month and struggling to cut a single one. So I'm going to break protocol and do some (alphabetical, unranked) runners-up. I might also keep my episode blurbs a little on the short side, because I'm working on some other posts for December. I hope you'll forgive me my trespasses.

Runners-up:

• Almost Human, Season 1 Episode 3 - "Are You Receiving?"

Almost Human gets a thumbs up from me so far. I enjoy its Fringe-meets-Blade Runner-meets-Robocop vibe. This hostage thriller episode added Die Hard onto the list of influences, so no wonder I dig it.

• Arrow, Season 2 Episode 7 - "State v. Queen"

Seth Gabel returns as Count Vertigo, the most enjoyably over-the-top, Dark Knight Joker-esque villain in Arrow's rogues gallery. The episode's courtroom scenes weren't exactly the best, but I still enjoyed it on the strength of Vertigo and the final plot twist, which has far-reaching ramifications for the series.

• Awkward, Season 3 Episode 17 - "The Campaign Fail"

Protagonist Jenna Hamilton's face-heel turn provided MTV's high school sitcom with one of its stronger story arcs since season 1, but this episode, with her returning to good and seeking forgiveness from the friends and family she's wronged, is stronger still.

• New Girl, Season 3 Episode 8 - "Menus"

Not gonna lie; this episode is here almost exclusively for Nick's line "What's up, Jason Street?" to wheelchair Winston. That's literally all it takes to get me to love your show: Throw in a Friday Night Lights reference, win my undying allegiance.

• Revolution, Season 2 Episode 9 - "Everyone Says I Love You"

With the possible exception of The Newsroom, Revolution is easily 2013's most improved show. I'm actually enjoying it now, which is just crazy. This episode was pretty freakin' crazy too. Hopefully Revolution's upswing continues into 2014.

10. The Legend of Korra, Season 2 Episodes 13 & 14 - "Darkness Falls" & "Light in the Dark" (two-parter)

Much like season 1's closing moments, Korra season 2's climactic battle is way too reliant on magical deus ex machina to get the heroes out of the impossible corner the show has written them into. Let me put it this way: I was 100% digging the finale when it was doing its riff on Godzilla. When it turned into Pacific Rim, however, it got kind of absurd. Nevertheless, gripes aside, the action kicked ass and the animation was immensely beautiful. Still-human Unalaq in full Dark Avatar regalia was terrifying.

9. Supernatural, Season 9 Episode 7 - "Bad Boys"

This episode was just a great, nostalgic Supernatural throwback to the days of seasons 1 and 2. No demons, no angels, no heaven, no hell, not a single regular or recurring character save Sam and Dean; just a straight-up ghost story, salting and burning bones and all. It was like the Supernatural equivalent of going back and playing some NES. The good old days, baby.

8. Boardwalk Empire, Season 4 Episode 12 - "Farewell Daddy Blues"

Ok, I'm gonna potentially make a few enemies here: Outside of episodes 5 and 8, which I included in last month's roundup, I'm not sure I really loved this season of Boardwalk Empire. I still liked it, but didn't love it the way I did the last two years. It's still a beautiful and sometimes exciting show, but its rhythms have become immensely familiar. It's just not a show that truly challenges itself on fundamental levels. Ergo, I liked but didn't love its fourth season finale. It did include an amazing, brutal fight scene with Eli Thompson, but the episode's major character death felt sudden and unearned.

7. Scandal, Season 3 Episode 7 - "Everything's Coming Up Mellie"

This episode was just completely and utterly bug-nuts crazy from start to finish, which is the pitch Scandal operates best at. The flashbacks with First Lady Mellie Grant were crazy and went to a shockingly dark place. The present-day Quinn story went to a crazy, dark and blood-soaked place, too. The revelation about the Vice President's husband's sexuality was just the goofily wacky cherry on top. Shonda Rhimes deserves adulation for the way she keeps this show's pacing cranked to a perpetual 11.

6. Homeland, Season 3 Episode 9 - "One Last Time"

Oh hey Homeland! Pretty surprising to see you on this list - I thought you didn't come 'round these parts anymore! What "One Last Time" pulled off in its Brody story that the rest of Homeland season 3 has failed at is delivering a story with clean, coherent and immediate stakes. Even the Dana Brody scene in this episode was narratively relevant and emotionally affecting. That right there may be the single most shocking twist Homeland season 3 has pulled off to date.

5. Bob's Burgers, Season 4 Episode 5 - "Turkey in a Can"

After some episodes earlier this season with almost preposterously high, life-or-death stakes – namely "A River Runs Through Bob" and "Seaplane!" – for its Thanksgiving episode Bob's Burgers reclaimed greatness by returning the Belchers home and setting nearly every minute of the episode there. The concept here wasn't bottle episode, though, but "murder" mystery as Bob tries to track down who in the house ruined his Thanksgiving turkey. Both the jokes and the genre trappings worked completely. Great, fun episode.

4. The Legend of Korra, Season 2 Episode 10 - "A New Spiritual Age"

Korra and Jinora's journey into the Spirit World makes for one of the best episodes of Korra's second season, fully shedding all the techno/steampunk trappings that exist in Republic City and returning to true straight-up fantasy storytelling. The Avatar: The Last Airbender cameos were impossible not to delight at, and the spirits themselves ranged the gamut from adorable to majestic to terrifying. Awesome "Oh shit what happens next!"-inducing cliffhanger, too.

3. Parenthood, Season 5 Episode 9 - "Election Day"

I'm on record as being not exactly in love with Parenthood season 5's mayoral election subplot, but a huge part of that had to do with terror that the story was going to go in a direction it really shouldn't and Parenthood was suddenly going to become The West Wing-lite. Now that I know that wasn't their plan, I dislike it a lot less in retrospect, and its climactic episode "Election Day" was actually quite good. Even aside from Kristina, the Crosby and Max stories were both very funny, and Julia and Joel's story was quite harrowing in a "Mom and dad are fighting!" kind of way. Parenthood is ramping up to a strong finish for 2013.

2. Arrow, Season 2 Episode 5 - "League of Assassins"

Not merely continuing but intensifying and upping the stakes following the revelation of the Canary's identity in the previous episode, "League of Assassins" shows Arrow as the polished, height-of-its-powers badass weekly superhero flick it is. The clock tower action scene was just so cinematic and exciting, and even beyond the wicked fight choreography it was all rooted in character dynamics and high emotional stakes. That's exactly what genre TV at its best is all about and should aspire to. This episode also showed off what a strong character Quentin Lance has become. Once practically the Sheriff Lamb of Arrow, I now ache for his pain as much as anyone else on the show.

1. The Legend of Korra, Season 2 Episode 12 - "Harmonic Convergence"

Despite their identical #1 rankings on my Best TV Episodes lists, no, I do not think "Harmonic Convergence" is anywhere near as good as last month's "Beginnings," an installment that is honestly in contention as one of my favorite hours of TV ever. But that doesn't mean "Harmonic Convergence" didn't kick a lot of ass. The massive, epic plane action sequence as Team Avatar attempts to invade Unalaq's base and reach the southern spirit portal was one of those scenes that truly shows off the potential of animation (plus imagination, of course), and how as a medium it can do on television things that just can't be done in live action sans hundreds of millions of dollars. The episode's ending also deserves credit as arguably 2013's greatest "HOLY FUCKING SHIT I NEED THE NEXT EPISODE NOWWW!!!"-inducing TV cliffhanger.

TV Obituaries, Vol. 3: March 2013

March was a fucking TV character bloodbath!

Spoilers follow for Banshee, The Following, Justified, New Girl, Revenge, Revolution, Scandal, Spartacus, Supernatural, Vikings and The Walking Dead.

Top Fifty TV Shows of 2012: #50 - 31

Television in 2012 was a tumultuous yet just as often joyous medium, with – no, I'm totally kidding! You guys are smart. You don't need a bloated, self-important preamble taking up space. The one note I'll make is that there are a handful of shows I'm a fan of but aren't on this list because I haven't gotten a chance to see any of their 2012 runs yet (probably most notably The Borgias and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia). But other than that, my list is my list, love it or hate it. On to the fun:
50. The Newsroom (HBO)

Hands down the iconic hate-watching experience of 2012, The Newsroom continued the quest Aaron Sorkin began in Studio 60 to try to make me question all the love I ever had for Sports Night and The West Wing. Watching and jeering at his unceasing-for-over-a-decade-now hate campaign against the internet's very existence ("I have a blog?!") was, without fail, great fun every week, and I can't wait for the show to come back to shrilly preach and lecture at us again next summer.

49. Once Upon a Time (ABC)

Honestly, Once Upon a Time isn't very good, and I quit watching it halfway through the first season, started back up at the season finale, then quit again four episodes into season 2. But, that said, I do respect it for keeping serialized fantasy alive on network television, and to pretty damn good ratings at that. Better fantasy shows may exist down the line because this harmless but ultimately disposable fairy tale saga paved the road for them to travel.

48. Go On (NBC)

From the very first time I saw Friends until "The Last One" aired in May 2004, Chandler was always my favorite Friend and about 60-70% of the reason I watched the show, period. So it's a bit of a shame Matthew Perry has spent his post-Friends career bouncing around various shows unworthy of his talents. Nevertheless, this grief counseling semi-ensemble comedy gives him a chance to flex his sarcasm and averages about one or two laughs per episode, which ain't superb, but does – spoiler alert – make it the only new fall 2012 sitcom on this list.