Sunday, February 10, 2013

Spartacus Power Rankings, Vol. 3

Spartacus: War of the Damned, Episode 3 - "Men of Honor"

Unranked this week: Gannicus, Crixus, Julius Caesar, Saxa, Sabinus, Castus (Nasir's pirate friend)

(Quick note: If a character lands in the "unranked" column more than two weeks in a row, I've decided to remove them until they do something notable enough to make the list again. This is mostly to avoid listing background rebels who don't do much like Donar and Lugo over and over again.)

10. Tiberius Crassus - It was wall-to-wall humiliation for poor widdle baby Tiberius this week. Soundly intimidated by Julius Caesar, a man he is at least nominally in command of, then he charges into battle with Spartacus against orders – a battle which, on account of superior numbers and the element of surprise, he truly should have won – and was dragged from the smoldering remnants of his battalion defeated and stabbed. Oh, Tiberius. You are walking, talking failure.

9. Sibyl - Uh, stalk much, lady? I'm willing to bump you out of the bottom slot on account of your terrific body, but let's tone down the creep factor here.

8. Attius - In all fairness, Attius did make a few reasonable points about Spartacus' reign over Sinuessa en Valle. But when one gets his ass handed to him so thoroughly and his head smashed to pulp in a fight so dirty and insignificant and devoid of any honor, one can only be ranked so high.

7. Naevia - I'm gonna quote Skyfall villain Silva: "Relax. You need to relax." I mean, jeez, Naevia! I want to see Rome tremble as much as anyone else, but just take it easy, all right? There's no need for a slaughter-fest. Chopping innocent hands is uncalled for. That said, pretty cool (if just as unnecessary) head-smashing of the aforementioned Attius.

6. Spartacus - Not the strongest week for the man himself. He fought well, of course, but at this point that's a little like praising a dog for barking or water for being wet. Slightly more noteworthy is his negotiating skills in his dealings with the pirates, which ultimately did save the rebellion, as little Tiberius might well have gone down in history as the man to claim Spartacus' life had Heracleo and his fireballs not been there to save the day. Spartacus deserves praise for successfully forging the relationship that would save his ass, but equal admonition for placing himself in a situation where he needed his ass saved in the first place.

5. Ulpianus - Crixus was right, of course: Ulpianus' showing was far from worthy of the arena. But all the same, he, a baker of breads who has probably never faced a moment's physical danger in his life, took up sword and slew his opponent. Rising to the challenge is more than worthy of applause, and of feasting upon laurels.

4. Agron & Nasir - Hey, they got laid, so that's pretty cool. Even cooler is the fact that, my TV senses honed by years of Whedon, I totally expected their bliss early on was the precursor to Nasir's death at episode's end. Yet both Agron and Nasir defy the gods and live to raise sword upon morrow.

3. Laeta - Deceiving Spartacus and stashing your peeps under a board takes gumption, that's for damn sure. Laeta strikes me a bit as bizarro world Lucretia or Ilithyia, employing subterfuge and her feminine wiles in pursuit of good rather than evil. Unless Spartacus is too busy dealing with Team Crassus and/or pirates, I look forward to seeing he and Laeta clash over her latest play come episode 4.

2. Heracleo - There's just no way you can argue with those fireballs. And with the apparent built-in power to home in on Romans, to boot!

1. The "My Cock Is Magic" Guy - Because his cock is magic, of course. R.I.P.

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