Saturday, February 2, 2013

Spartacus Power Rankings, Vol. 2

Spartacus: War of the Damned, Episode 2 - "Wolves at the Gate"

Unranked this week: Gannicus, Agron, Naevia, Nasir, Saxa, Nemetes, Donar, Lugo, Sabinus (Tiberius' friend/probable lover), Tertulla

10. Diotimos - This world-class genius threw out his one shot at vengeance against his former Dominus by being too stupid to look around or employ peripheral vision in the midst of full-scale warfare. Way to go, Diotimos. You died as you lived: Embarrassing yourself.

9. Ennius (Laeta's husband a.k.a. the Aedile) - Look at this wishy-washy motherfucker. Too proud to commit to surrendering, too timid to actually light the pitch, burn the grain, and doom his wife. Just standing there, twiddling his thumbs, mouth hanging dumbly open until Spartacus expedites things by shoving a spear through it. Great city management, dude.

8. Julius Caesar - Passed over for military command, sexually denied by a slave, and with an apparent fetish for having his cock cut by knives (?), Caesar's debut definitely doesn't compete with that of Marcus Crassus last week. The only reason he's this high is because he beat up a couple of Crassus' guards pretty easily, but still, Caesar, you gotta kick it up a notch.

7. Tiberius Crassus - Tiberius seems to be improving just a little week by week. He's no badass, but he did win the military command Caesar craved, which is something.

6. Attius (the blacksmith) - Attius' role in Sinuessa en Valle's taking was equal parts weak and impressive: Yes, he was bullied and cajoled into it by Gannicus, the faint whisper of a threat pushing him along, but all the same the city couldn't have been taken without his swords or without him striking the first blow of the uprising. He's conflicted, yes, but certainly less pathetic about it than Ennius. (Oh, Ennius. You died because you suck.)

5. Marcus Crassus - Crassus wasn't as awe-inspiring as last week, of course: No fighting with gladiators, no manipulating Spartacus, no humiliating dumbass Senators. But still, his was the approval that every character on the Roman side of the story sought, and the final scene of the hour, with Crassus speechifying to thousands of Roman soldiers, hinted loudly at future badassery to come.

4. Laeta - Ok, Laeta did get owned in "Wolves at the Gate." Literally – she started the episode a wealthy Roman citizen and ended it enslaved by former slaves. But for someone who got owned she comported herself fairly well, winning at least a little of Spartacus' sympathy, plenty of his attention, and doing more than Sinuessa en Valle's other citizens to save those still living after the battle. And there's something to be said for dignity in defeat.

3. Kore - It may not be blood or glory, but a slave calling her Dominus by his first name to his face and him being too cowed to do a damn thing about it is ownage of a no less compelling sort.

2. Crixus - Crixus is this high for one reason and one reason only: His epic leaping catch of Ennius' falling torch before it could hit the pitch and destroy the city's grain supply. A moment of quick thinking lasting but a second (ignoring the slow motion, of course), but one that may have literally saved the entire rebellion from starvation and death. Smooth move, Crixy.

1. Spartacus - Ok, yeah, picking Spartacus as the #1 Power Rank of the week for the TV show Spartacus isn't exactly bold or outside-the-box thinking. But I mean, c'mon – this is a former slave who now stands king of a Roman city through sheer boldness, creativity, military acumen, a will to lead and sheer, unadulterated badassery. You can't argue with that. And what's more, his blinding rage and need for vengeance last week already seems to have been chipped at just a little by Laeta, maturing him into a leader who is firm but neither tyrannical nor sadistic. Spartacus owned the Romans and he owned "Wolves at the Gate" from start to finish.

No comments:

Post a Comment