Saturday, April 6, 2013

Spartacus Power Rankings, Vol. 9

Spartacus: War of the Damned, Episode 9 - "The Dead and the Dying"

Unranked this week: Laeta, Sibyl, Castus

10. Tiberius Crassus - This week saw Lil' Tibby being tricked on the field of war and lured into a trap, captured after being yanked off his horse by his cape, being held captive and forced to watch his men slaughtered one-by-one, getting the shit kicked out of him by Naevia and finally being mocked by a grinning Julius Caesar before being stabbed in the back and killed by his former slave Kore. Ergo, "The Dead and the Dying" was perhaps the most erotic episode of television ever made.

9. Marcus Crassus - Though Crassus yet lives and didn't quite go through the capture-humiliation-beating-murder process his son did, he damn well got tricked all the same and gave up 500 rebel prisoners, not even getting Tiberius back alive in the process. Another relative low point for Spartacus' archenemy.

8. Agron - All Agron really did this week is get nailed to a cross then taken down from said cross and handed back to the rebels, but at least he's alive, and, unlike the Crassus boys, exited the episode in better shape than he started it in.

7. Saxa - For somehow, defying all my imagination as I wonder how such a thing could have happened, getting herself in a position where she's giving a piggyback ride to a Roman as she kills him.

6. Julius Caesar - Caesar now stands the Word and the Will of Marcus Crassus. Granted, he had to get beat up a little by Sparty and Gannicus on his way there, but he still deserves modulated praise for being the only member of Team Crassus to end the episode in a stronger position than he was in at the end of "Separate Paths." Oh, and his smug grinning at Tiberius at the end. Perfection.

5. Nasir - Turns out Nasir's a real boss with a spear.

4. Gannicus - Three Romans at once? Who the fuck's gonna argue with that?

3. Spartacus - Spartacus not only baited and captured Tiberius Crassus, but also organized an evening of gladiator entertainment to rival he and Crixus' battle against Theokoles and the finale of Gods of the Arena, purchased back 500 captive rebel soldiers including Agron and stabbed a dude through the back of the head with two swords while jumping. And I'm sure he's still fucking Laeta offscreen too. Talk about a week of rocking the shit.

2. Naevia - Though she was robbed of the killing blow, merely watching Naevia beat the hell out of and slice the life away from Tiberius Crassus, biggest piece of shit in Rome, was enough to make it one of the character's best weeks in her entire four-season run on Spartacus.

1. Kore - Killing Tiberius = instant and permanent hero status forever.

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