Sunday, January 27, 2013

Spartacus Power Rankings, Vol. 1

Spartacus: War of the Damned, Episode 1 - "Enemies of Rome"

(As a means to share my thoughts on each installment of Spartacus: War of the Damned without having to write full reviews, I've decided to do weekly Spartacus Power Rankings, wherein I outline who blew it, who kicked ass, and whose cock rages on. Spoilers abound, of course.)

Unranked this week: Crixus, Nasir, Donar, Lugo, Nemetes, Kore (Crassus' slave), Tertulla (Crassus' wife)

10. Furius & Cossinius - These walking plot devices did exactly one interesting thing: Die spectacularly bloody deaths at the hands of Spartacus, their ends arranged by their own lieutenant Marcus Crassus. Don't let the door hit you on the way to the afterlife, dumbasses.

9. Tiberius Crassus - You whiny little shit. Wasn't it satisfying watching Numerius v2.0 get his nose bloodied by Hilarus? Damn right it was.

8. Diotimos (a.k.a. Horse-Meat-Chopping Guy) - "You are Spartacus?! Apologies, I-I did not–" Haha, you idiot! How embarrassing! That said, Spartacus' new scheme to tear a city from the flesh of Rome seems to stem at least partially from Diotimos' food and shelter-related woes, so he may end up having plot significance yet. (And he is right – there's no need to let perfectly good horse meat go to waste.)

7. Agron - "Hey my little Syrian slave boy, let me tell you, I'm gonna tear open heaven and fuck Jupiter!" Uh, nice pillow talk, dude. Really, just awesome. That said, you did kick moderate amounts of ass in the opening skirmish, so we'll let it slide for now. Just work on it.

6. Hilarus - Ok, it's pretty embarrassing for any former champion of the arena to get killed in a fair and even fight by a pampered wealthy Roman. But he was a man of honor who helped carve Crassus into the stone-cold badass he is today, and, as I mentioned above, seeing him ram his sword hilt into Tiberius' smugfuck face was worthy of wine and women in the afterlife.

5. Spartacus - I'm forced to notch Spartacus a few ranks down from where he might otherwise stand partially for his nonstop angst, partially for gettin' all depressed when Diotimos sarcastically referred to him as "King Spartacus," and partially for unwittingly doing Crassus' bidding on the battlefield. Granted, even had he known Crassus wanted Furius and Cossinius dead, he'd probably still have killed them. But in this instance, he got played. Good for his ranking him getting played still involved him killing the shit out of a bunch of Romans.

4. Gannicus - For his shit-eating grin in the background as Spartacus lopped Furius and Cossinius' heads from their shoulders. Also for getting laid...

3. Saxa - ...with this badass chick. Did Saxa kick some ass in the opening battle or what? And she learned to speak the common tongue, to boot!

2. Naevia - Naevia's difficulty getting an enemy's head free from his shoulders was displayed in gruesome detail in last season's finale. Now, some months later, we see it's no problem. And that badassery deserves kudos.

1. Marcus Crassus - Could there be any doubt? Between verbally humiliating his Senate colleagues ("Tiberius is well-trained in the ways of men. I would expose him to those of the Senate as well."), schooling his insolent son, arranging the deaths of his military superiors so he could take their place then having the balls to brag about it, his sincere respect for Spartacus and the slave rebellion's accomplishments, and slaying a former champion of the Roman arena in fair one-on-one combat – all accomplished with cool confidence and cocksure swagger – Crassus already stands a god.

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